It's That Time Again

(cross posted from Momma Mindy's Moments)

It's that time again.

I had my six month routine blood work

to find out the status of the cancer

that has staked a claim on my body

with squatter's rights.

In a few weeks, I will have a sonogram.

In January, cancer was discovered for the third time,

but my body didn't absorb radioactive iodine,

so it couldn't be used as a treatment.

It's too soon for another neck surgery.

So I wait,

watch

and wonder

if they will grow or spread.

I always feel a little apprehensive,

so I commit my concerns to the Lord in prayer,

and try not to take it back out of His hands with worry.

But, I always know,

that little band-aid on my arm,

could be the beginning of another life change for me.

As I was leaving, my endocrinologist cheered me on,

as she is good at doing,

by complimenting

"You're such a brave young woman."

The good news is,

she thinks I am young.

But, the brave part,

I'm not sure about.

I appreciate her warmth and her encouragement,

but I am not brave.

I just have cancer.

People with bravery

rescue other people from drowning and car wrecks.

Brave people jump out of airplanes,

climb Mount Everest,

live in the jungles as a missionary,

and walk on the moon.

I am not brave by character,

my situation forces bravery

because the only alternative

to living with cancer,

if you can't be cured,
is dying with it.

So, if that is all it takes to be brave,

I hope she calls me brave for

many,

many,

many years.

I would like to someday be a

"brave, old woman."

So, my heart and mind are swirling

with prayers and scenarios,

as I consider what the future might hold,

because,

it's that time again.

Change in Summer Plans

Since being diagnosed with cancer, I have developed what is considered a "rare" condition called CRPS, or Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. Basically it's a nerve that's gone nuts. In my case, the nerve in my armpit feels a light touch, such as clothing, but it tells my brain that the armpit is on fire. It took 4 months to get this condition diagnosed (and I'm one of the lucky ones).

This condition has been very challenging to deal with. Last year, I could only wear silk. Anything else sent my pain scale up to 8 or 9. This year I have made some progress and graduated to sueded cotton. I have closets and drawers full of clothes that I can not wear. None of them. Not at all.

This summer my cousin is getting married in Oklahoma. My husband and I are planning to take a nice leisurely drive there along route 66. We're really looking forward to it. I have been thinking about what to wear to this wedding. Usually I can wear a knit skirt and top to church functions, but those are quite plain. I have two dresses that I bought for my brother's wedding 4 years ago. They still fit! But... they're not sueded cotton or silk. I've decided that I'm going to wear one of them anyway. I'l just have to wear a lidocaine pain patch to help with the pain.

I had a routine PET scan last week to check on the progress since my diagnosis, surgery and chemo in 2008. There's some new growth on my adrenal gland. I don't know what to do. My doctor is on vacation this week. Now my mind is racing through all of the various scenarios....

I may not have to worry about a dress this summer. I may have to worry about whether I will even have hair...

Rats!