Saturday, June 5, 2010

Mad

(Cross posted, and edited, from Coffee and Chemo)
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On Friday, almost out of nowhere, I got really angry at my kids and started snapping at them.

Moshe, my dear husband, gently questioned me, "Why are you yelling at the kids?"

All I could answer was, "I am mad."

I sat sulking for a few moments.

Then, I pondered Moshe's query.  "Why am I so mad?"

I could not avoid the obvious explanation that I felt displaced anger.

If I am being completely honest, I have to admit that I am mad at God. 

I am mad that He gave me cancer.  I am mad that He made things worse (even though things will get better again, BE"H). I am mad that He is making me deal with cancer, now, before my daughter's Bat Mitzvah (coming of age), when I have lots of other things to worry about....  I am mad.

I trust God.  I have not lost faith.  But I am mad at God.

Once I realized where my anger came from, I had to stop snapping at my kids.  Fair is fair; if I am mad at God and I want to yell, I should yell at God.  But I did not want to yell at God.

Instead, very politely, I explained to God just why I was so mad at Him.

I allowed myself to feel angry.

It is OK to get mad at God.  We do not have to like everything God does or agree with everything in His plan. 

I accept that God has His reasons.

I just don't like them, whatever they are.

I do not want to have cancer.

I want God to make the cancer go away!

3 comments:

  1. God is huge, he can handle your handle. I think I would be angry as well if I were going through what you were I would be angry as well. I am glad your husband was there, he helped you to realize your children had nothing to do with your cancer, and RivkA either have you.....there is no one to blame here. Save your energy to heal your body sweetie, we all want you happy and healthy very soon........:-) Hugs

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  2. Your gut honesty took my breathe away. I found myself without words for days. I am so sorry the news isn't what we wanted all to hear. I will continue to pray for healing, for comfort, your doctors and your encouragement. Thinking of you, friend.

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